Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The Shoehorner, The NameDropper and the Troll

If you've been around the blogosphere long enough, you'll have seen all the different types of formulaic commenters that remark on the different threads below.  Here are a few of my favorites:

The Shoehorner:  This guy or gal will get their web address and book title into anything they comment on.  You know they have sat at the computer thinking about the different ways to make his comment not seem like self-promo.  But it always seem hack. Example:  I love pottery too!  On my blog (bloodymurderfaces.blogspot.com), I wrote a post while sitting next to a piece of pottery.  Also, in my novel SEVERAL THOUSAND PEOPLE DIE, one of the first victim's favorite movie scenes is that famous scene from GHOST.  Weird, right?

The It's All About Me Gal/Guy:  This person is a close relative of The Shoehorner.  He or she can never comment on a topic without twisting it to be about themselves.  Yesterday I sat around and thought about writing a scene where an Irish midget sneaks into MI5 and steals government secreats.  (Blog post actually about favorite pizza places.)

The NameDropper:  Need I explain?  The other day I had dinner with Bill Bradley, who told me I write like Laura Lippman on speed and vodka.  I figure he's right, because once Joe Lieberman said Stephen King should outline like I do.  

The Disagree-er:  This person is tricky, because a blog post often is suppose to inspire debate in the comments.  But the problem with this one is, the blog author is NEVER. EVER.  RIGHT.  In fact the commenter doesn't even couch their comments with "maybe" or "I respect your point."  Usually, they go to extraordinary lengths just to be contrary.  No.  No.  No. NONONONONONONO.  In page 17 of the the 1978 edition of The Big Sleep Philip Marlowe says words.  And those words are descriptive.  Descriptive words should TELL you something.  Not show you something.  Show don't tell is the biggest lie in writing.  You have to tell everything.  Every author tells.  And that's just how it is.

The Troll:  Everyone knows the anonymous troll.  You suck.  Your blog sucks.  Your work is stupid.  Stop posting.  

Any others I missed?

11 comments:

Jay Stringer said...

You are sooo right. The self-involvement of some of these archetypes reminds me of the central character of my novel, OLD GOLD, who can't see past himself. Shakespeare has blurbed it, said it was 'cool.' Weird, right?

Diana said...

Me. You missed me, the hit and run commenter. Who shows up on a whim, leaves a comment, and doesn't come back.

Actually, I do come back almost everyday. You all have one of the most interesting blogs in the blogosphere. I don't comment if I don't have anything to say.

Todd Mason said...

Well, there's the fatuous overpraiser, who can't believe you've come up with such searing and utterly original insight. Oddly, this class doesn't get complained about too often.

Todd Mason said...

And, of course, Too Busy To Actually Read What You've Written. Whose response to this post would be, Oh, my, yes, I hate it when people disagree vehemently. Why do they do that?

Thomas Pluck said...

You suck. Your blog sucks. Your work is stupid. Stop posting.

Doh. That's not anonymous.

Reading internet comments will devour your soul. It really brings out the absolute worst in people. It sure makes me a pompous, blathering jackass at times. I've been on the interwebs since 1991, and I'd like to say it was better, a long time ago, but usenet was always awful.
I think the first internet comment was by a troll. Actually, the first was "Frodo lives!" and the second was "Tolkien was a hack."

F.T. Bradley said...

This made me laugh, and cringe because it's so true.

Worse: when these people discover Twitter...

Jason T. Hurley said...

I could not make it through this post because of the fuckload of grammar mistakes.

Steven J. Wangsness said...

Guilty, guilty, not guilty, it depends, not guilty.

Dave White said...

Ah, I forgot about the "rude grammarian."

Bryon Quertermous said...

I'm pretty sure these are all one person around here. And it's not me.

Most of the time.

Anonymous said...

The 78 BIG SLEEP was a hot mess. Karl Lundgren shot Joe Brody four times, then two shots at Philip Marlowe just outside of Joe Brody's flat and then he continued to shoot while running away. That's too many shot for a standard 6-shot revolver.